Syllabus week...

So, it’s been forever since I last wrote…

Classes have begun…ipso facto my brain hurts. I remember being a freshman and loving the first week of classes, they were so easy. Twenty minute long classes, the teacher reads the syllabus and you blow the whole day off. This time around…as a senior it’s a far different approach. A huge part of me was super excited about the prospect of new work and the enlightenment result of a successful course. However, the other part of me dreaded the aspect of returning from my workaholic comatose, which quite obviously kept me from academic thought.

This is an interesting switch of approach to me. While at home (on break) and working (as hard as people make it out to be) it doesn’t require much of us. Basic skills such as driving, smiling, using a calculator, organizing etc… Day in and day out people work retail in the same monotonous motions. Not until today have I realized that has a large part to do with why I choose a creative outlet for my future career. While this “academic process” of continually developing/creating will probably kill me eventually…Id rather be dead by my passions, than by the uniformity of anything that stifles our natural ingenuity.

END. Give me feedback.

Question: Do we ever really know what to do?

Uhh this is just me rambling incoherently about something I was thinking and haven’t fully developed, but yeah…here ya go. Help me!--if you are getting the gist, help me to make more sense of it...haha.

From my point of view, life is just one decision after the next. Each decision has its own consequences; good or bad. Its basically just a domino effect. It can be dwindled down to the most intensely small decisions where this effect takes place. For instance: The choice of which way to go home, taking this road (that’s faster) or this road (that usually has less traffic). This decision although seemingly small can have huge effects on your life. Your car over heats in traffic-->you must call AAA-->the man who comes to help is great looking-->you go on a date-->and bam! You have got a life long relationship of ups and downs but ultimate happiness. The smallest choices can have the largest impacts.

So, here comes the counter to a realization such as this. How much thought should be put into daily decisions? Previous to…well now I have put so much thought, effort, and organization into my life as to avoid all negative repercussions. Well, terrible, stupid things still happened regardless of my efforts. So, now…I am turning dramatically into a different direction. I do not mean to say that life should be lived carelessly at the will of the wind; but something like it. Make the choices as they come based on your desires right then and there. Do I want to make a personal blog? As a matter of fact, I do. Perhaps one day I will become big in Japan at first--only to spread my word across the continents. Who knows? On a more serious note, things happen for a reason. The people you meet, and get to know…are instrumental in developing oneself. The roads you take, and the paths avoided will direct, or save you from countless interactions that all add up. So pay attention, don’t stress it, but don’t let the moments pass either. Take them in when they come, and experience them fully; good bad or ugly, they make a difference.

Christmas Spirit?

Ok, so. I know I am late but, Merry Christmas!
So the holidays are a tricky thing-or at least from my point of view. Obviously it is all a market scandal to sell sell sell! Despite their intentions they paint this idealistic picture of happy families coming together for the sake of love and presents. This image usually involves standing rib roasts, warm living rooms painted in an ochre color, kids sharing a book, and the parents adoring the sight. I think it is apparent that this is a sham.
My Christmas started at 7am and ugh I dreaded the day. “Please, five more minutes! (I need to prepare myself mentally for stress, weird uncles, etc.) I couldn’t help but be excited about giving away the presents I had bought so I got up. I put effort into choosing just the right thing, and hoped it would light up their face. Once the situation occurs the feeling is different. I began to doubt myself, “Did I pick the right thing? What if they don’t like it? That’s my effort and money gone to waste. They open it and you stare at them for a look of joy and surprise. It appears, and you judge whether it is fake or sincere. Nobody wants to disappoint anyone on a day that is supposed to be a time of cheer, and happiness.
The whole present thing set aside, the people involved--family. Well, more often than not you have to travel from one side of the family to the other or at least that is my situation. Of course one side of family may not be the most understanding of you and all of your short comings--but you hope that because of this occasion it can all be swept aside for the sake of Christmas. This is what I have to prepare for. What will they think of me?...my outfit? We haven’t spoken in a while…do they care? You walk in with all your hope in one hand, and suppressed anger in the other. Which way will it go? I am prepared either way. Surprisingly this year it went according to plan. “Hey, how are ya?--Whats new? Here are your presents. Eat a bagel. This dip is the best. Well…I have got to get going. In and out.
The best part comes when you stop to visit the old friends. Those are the people I want to be with. No history of anger, and moral wrongs and rights--only humorous stories of when we were the biggest losers in elementary school with pictures as evidence. You check in for a while, eat some hor’ dourves, exchange gifts which goes off without a hitch because you know this person better than anyone. That’s funny; you think you’d know your family better…false. It is merry and filled with happiness for one another and the status of their lives.
Dinner time. I ate at my Father’s side of the family this year, which was how I wanted it. There was in fact a standing rib roast. These people get me. They generally accept me for who I am with a little advice here and there. I consume this advice without haste. We share, we laugh, and we love one another. There Is however, this little thing called STRESS. Making things perfect, or at least trying to can easily tip the hostile scales and create a mess. It may happen once or twice; everyone shuts up and ignores it for the sake of not wanting to get in between. We eat cake, and everything is back to normal. An hour later you can joke and tease about the previous argument or flare up. It is a way of talking about it without talking about it, so it can be settled through laughter. I love that. That’s how you know you are family.
I am not trying to be a negative Nancy but there are certain aspects of the Holiday spirit that are wonderful and actually do happen, it is just weeding out all of the falsities. You cannot get yourself all worked up otherwise everything thing that doesn’t go according to plan will surely sour your holiday. My advice is to not have a plan to begin with, just show up with a smile.

I won Wizards!

Sorry its so long, but I skipped a day.

The past two days have certainly been eventful. My brother came home from Indiana with his fiancé Laura for the holidays. Last night I met up with them and my Mother for dinner, I was highly anticipating this night. Upon arriving after a slightly more difficult day than usual at work I forgot about the “hill-o-death” my Mom now lives on with her boyfriend Steve. Stewart struggled the whole way up, but he made it—I exit the car, and I slip and fall. Whatever excitement I had to see my brother was completely replaced with anger and hate for the snow, the winter, the ice, everything cold, and my now hurt hand. I burst in the door, “I need a white Russian, and make it tall! Oh and hey Jason” We had dinner, chatted about this and that, but mostly about Jason and Laura’s ten-month-away wedding. Of course there were awkward moments when the tension between my mother and I was noticeable, but we got through it.
Today, I got up early to head down to Rockland where my Grandparents from Florida are staying with my Aunt Robyn and Uncle Bill for the holidays. I don’t get to see them enough so I am taking advantage of them being so near. My Grandma and I had coffee and caught up a bit. This was actually a great conversation as it usually is with my Grandma. We have been through some tough times that only we can understand. The holidays can be a hard time on us, and even though she’s “all powerful Grandma” she needs someone to confide in also. I know I do a great deal of complaining and well…I guess I am overdramatic at times, it makes me feel better that I can give something back and help her too.

We went to the mall, and attempted shopping. My grandmother has trouble breathing so we took it slow. I got some new garb, and carried the bags for Grandma. Of course she needs to buy an eight piece set of glass bowls; I thought my hand was going to fall off for a while, but I zipped my lip. We went to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory and met up with her friends from Florida who were also visiting their family in Rockland. Her name is Judy, she’s from Minnesota and I couldn’t help but mimic her accent every time it was obvious. She’s a sweet lady, and seems to generally care for my grandmother and I. She asked me a million questions and I could feel my mind begin to worry 1) What did she think about my answers? 2) Was I making a good impression? 3) What the hell am I going to do when I graduate (she asked) Judy and her two daughters generally seemed interested in my artwork, and schooling. It’s always nice to discuss my passion, but I know I have to tell myself to shut up after about five minutes.

I spent the afternoon wrapping presents and torturing my little cousins. We went out to dinner at the local diner that we’ve been going to since as long as I can remember. The owner and the waiters pretend to care about, or miss us. I find it funny, and pleasant; it’s like we are celebrities. We came home, and I made everyone cappuccinos for another intense game of Wizards! Um, well…I don’t want to brag…but I kicked their asses! I totally one! By a landslide! It felt good. What a great note to end on, J. Flagg is a winner—for today anyways.

Why so serious?

So this is a little more serious, but my day was dull and I was feeling reflective.
Oh, and of course this is quite summative and general--but you get the point.

My current situation is allowing me a lot of self discovery. Things now are significantly different than last winter. Its amazing to look back and just see how greatly things can progress. Previously, at the ripe age of 20 I was in a state of depression and had no idea. I woke up, ate breakfast, went for a run, went to work (often times 12 hours), came home, ate dinner, TV., passed out. I was a machine. I had created this routine of timed acts that led me no where fast. I was trapped alone with my thoughts of how terrible things were and how much worse they could get. I pitied myself, and that is a place I never want to go back to. I went back to school and got myself out of this God-for-saken town.
To be surrounded by art, and the optimistic dreams of the students around me immediately changed my demeanor. I decided that since I don’t have work to keep me busy I would go above and beyond in my school projects to occupy the time. Blindly, without rhyme or reason I just threw myself completely into the assignments given. My friends interests in my work boosted my confidence, and fueled me even further. Over-time, I had realized that I came out of “machine mode” and was just generally passionate about these subjects. I was no longer taking up time, or keeping busy, I was interested and investing time into what I cared for. With my natural “big picture view” back in place I could see further than I had thought possible. In short, this Winter is a dramatic difference and I am thankful. Of course there are hiccups now and then, but ill roll with the punches when they come. I’ve adapted this new motto that “everything happens for a reason”. Of course I find myself curious of these so-called “reasons”, but I’ve got to leave a few things up to chance. Control over everything is just not a possibility and I can accept that-finally.

P.S.-I just watched The Dark Knight hence the title. Awesome movie, rent it.

The mantra of my day: I hate hate, hate, hate, the snow. It took me twenty minutes to shovel out my car this morning, almost causing me to lose my morning cup of coffee from The Dunkin. Thankfully, that fueled my efforts and I made it to work on time. Work went pretty quickly so quickly that I forgot about lunch..

The afternoon was spent “Googling” myself. I hit quite a few times which was a thrill to find out! I used to write an opinion column for St.Rose’s Chronicle, which has now all been archived online. I re-read them silently, snickering from time to time, shocked at how funny they were; I never realized at the time but they weren’t too bad.

Anyways, I left work early to head down to Rockland. My grandparents are up from Florida, and the whole family was getting together for dinner. It was such a debacle from beginning to end. First of all…Stewart(my car) decided to get stuck in a parking lot when I pulled off to switch into a higher gear. I swear, he has got a mind of his own. After a lot of back and forth and me yelling at him to work-- we got out…Again, I hate snow. The restaurant my Uncle choose was ridiculous. It was crowded, loud, and ugh; I just couldn'’t deal and neither could my Grandmother whose patience is shorter than a burnt match. It was a huge fiasco, about the seating arrangements, stairs (which my grandfather has trouble with), which door to enter?, who wants a bite of this or that. My Aunt and I just laughed quietly to ourselves about the whole situation. I sat between her and my two favorite cousins on the other side. We have a lot of fun together. They are some of the few people I can truly be my silly self around; which is the hugest relief to me.

After dinner we went back to my Aunts house, made cappuccinos and played a game called Wizards. Its pretty intense especially with the competitive bunch that we are. I was doing alright in the beginning because I didn’t know the rules completely—which is total crap and not my fault. Regardless, I lost in the end. Whatever.

I drove home afterwards, in the snow for the reason of beating the snow. I hate the snow. Stewart and I are adjusting to this weather. I made it the whole way without a hitch. I drove straight backed only breathing like every five minutes or something—but I wasn’t tense at all. In the end, it was a great day and I hate the snow. Goodnight.

Snowed in...

Sorry about the length, and the lack of interest. It’ll get better.

So, today was a bit of a wash. I was hoping to wake up to snow, exciting, playful “christmas-ey” snow! 7am: I hate my alarm, and I hate that there is no snow. I skipped my morning run for several reasons: 1) My new bed is far too comfortable. 2) It was suppose to snow. 3) I went to bed late (12pm) and the extra hour would do me good at work today. Or at least, all of this was my mental justification for skipping it.

At work, which is always interesting…I burst in the door “Good morning Walter!!” to receive a groaned “Yeah hello”. Walter as with the rest of the Orange County Granite’s employees had a bit too much fun at the Holiday Party the night before. Things really get crazy when you give the secretaries a tab at the bar and Martini’s are the drink of choice. I’ve never felt so youthful and energetic before than when surrounded by middle aged office workers. Although I find myself a bit cynical at times its different when they say “kill me now” verse when I say it. They have this undertone of reality to it, whereas I am just being over dramatic. Either way I passed the time with answering phones, and scheduling this and that.
At noon it had started to snow, and stuck immediately. I was starving as was the rest of my roommates who I also work for/with. I was taking sandwich orders so I could bring them food back. It took me thirty minutes to drive one mile. My car wouldn’t stop when I asked it to stop. I proceeded to have a heart attack as I had to steer off the road as opposed to in the back of the soccer mom’s minivan in front of me. The money it costs to repair is what runs through my mind, not my safety or well being but money. I decided this was a problem. I finally got home and called work in a panic-I don’t like to be the employee with excuses but no way was I going back. I ate lunch and plopped myself on the sofa with spiked hot cocoa and watched a What Not To Wear marathon. Stacy and Clinton know what they are talking about…amazing transformations. I took a lot of mental notes. Checked facebook like a jillion times and decided to make this blog with the support of my friends.